Some Humor

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MedicalGloveLover
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Some Humor

Post by MedicalGloveLover »

Three Daughters

A mother had three daughters and at their weddings she asked them to write home and tell her about their married life. The first wrote back on the second day. The letter arrived with a single message: ''Maxwell House.'' The mother was confused but finally noticed a Maxwell coffee ad, and it said, ''Good to the last drop...'' So the mother was happy.
Then the second daughter got married and after a week she sent home her reply. The message read: ''Rothmans.'' So the mother looked for the Rothmans ad, and it said, ''LIFE SIZE, KING SIZE.'' And the mother was happy.
Then it was the third one's wedding. The mother was anxious. It took four weeks for a message to come through. When it did the message was simply: ''BRITISH AIRWAYS.'' The mother was so concerned. She frantically went through all the newspapers at home looking for a BA ad. When she found one she fainted. The ad read: ''TWO TIMES A DAY, SEVEN DAYS A WEEK, BOTH WAYS.''




Frozen skunk

A man and his wife were driving home one very cold night when the wife asks her husband to stop the car.
There was a baby skunk lying at the side of the road, and she got out to see if it was still alive.

It was, and she said to her husband, Its nearly frozen to death. Can we take it with us, get it warm, and let it go in the morning?

He says, O. K., Get in the car with it.

Where shall I put it to get it warm?

He says, Put it in between your legs. It's nice and warm there.

But what about the smell?

Just hold its little nose.

The man is expected to recover, but the skunk she used to beat him with died at the scene.




Names

There are these three girls and their boyfriends all have the same name. So in order to keep them from getting confused, they decided to give their boyfriends nicknames. So they asked the first girl what she called her boyfriend. And she says, "I call my man 7-up." They ask her," Why do you call your man that," and she says," Because he's seven inches long and is always up. They ask the second girl what she calls her man. She says," I call my man Mountain Dew." They ask," Why do you call your man that," and she says," Because he likes to Mount me and to Do me." They ask the third girl the same thing and she says, "I like to call my man Jack Daniels." They look at her puzzled and say," Why do you call your man that, Jack Daniels is a Hard Liquor," and she says, "Exactly."




Calling in Sick

Calling in sick to work makes me uncomfortable. No matter how legitimate my
illness, I always sense my boss thinks I am lying.


On one occasion, I had a valid reason, but lied anyway because the truth
was too humiliating. I simply mentioned that I had sustained a head injury and
I hoped I would feel like coming in the next day. By then, I thought, I could
think up a doozy to explain the bandage on my crown. The accident occurred mainly because I conceded to my wife's wishes to adopt a cute little kitty. Initially, the new acquisition was no problem, but one
morning I was taking my shower after breakfast when I heard my wife, Deb,
call out to me from the kitchen. "Ed!! The garbage disposal is dead. Come
and reset it."

"You know where the button is," I protested through the shower
(pitter-patter). "Reset it yourself!"


"I am scared!" she pleaded. "What if it starts going and sucks me in?"

(Pause) "C'mon, it'll only take you a second."

So out I came, dripping wet and buck naked, hoping to make a statement
about how her cowardly behavior was not without consequence. I crouched down and
stuck my head under the sink to find the button. It is the last action I remember performing. It struck without warning, without any respect to my circumstances. Nay, it wasn't a hexed disposal drawing me into its gnashing metal teeth. It was our new kitty, clawing playfully at the dangling objects she spied
between my legs. She had been poised around the corner and stalked me as I
took the bait under the sink. At precisely the second I was most vulnerable,
she leapt at the toys I unwittingly offered and snagged them with her
needle-like claws.

I lost all rational thought to control orderly bodily movements, while
rising upwardly at a violent rate of speed, with the full weight of a
kitten hanging from my masculine region.


Wild animals are sometimes faced with a "fight or flight" syndrome. Men, in
this predicament, choose only the "flight" option. Fleeing straight up, the sink and cabinet bluntly impeded my ascent; the impact knocked me out cold.


When I awoke, my wife and the paramedics stood over me. Having been fully
briefed by my wife, the paramedics snorted as they tried to conduct their
work while suppressing hysterical laughter.


At the office, my colleagues tried to coax an explanation out of me.
I kept silent, claiming it was too painful to talk about.


"What's the matter, cat got your tongue?"






Birth Control

The doctor, who had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her
life, finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to
bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.
As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he
realized she has a prescription for birth control
pills.
"Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?!?"
"Yes, they help me sleep at night."
"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING these that could
possibly help you sleep!"
She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee.
"Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in
the
glass of orange juice that my 16 year old
granddaughter drinks...
And believe me, it helps me sleep at night!"





Two Doctors
Two doctors opened an office in a small town and put up a sign reading "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones, Psychiatry and Proctology."
The town council was not too happy with that sign, so the doctors changed it to "Hysteria's and Posteriors".
This was not acceptable either, so in an effort to satisfy the council, they changed the sign to "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids." No go.
Next they tried "Catatonics and High Colonics." Thumbs down again.
Then came "Manic-depressives and Anal retentives" Still not good.
How about "Minds and Behinds"? Unacceptable again.
So they tried "Lost Souls and Ass Holes" Still no go.
Nor did "Analysis and Anal Cysts," "Nuts and Butts," "Freaks and Cheeks," "Loons and Moons" work either.
Almost at their wit's end, the doctors finally came up with a business slogan they thought might be acceptable to the council, "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones ........... Odds and Ends." APPROVED!
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AlexLady
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Re: Some Humor

Post by AlexLady »

Hahaha. All good ones!

This is my favorite. I have never seen it online. Don't mind the spacing, I just don't want you to accidentally see the end and spoil it for yourself!






A man walks into his bedroom carrying a sheep under his arm. Just inside the door way he stops and says, "And you see--my love--this is the fat cow I fuck when you're not in the mood."











His wife lays on the bed laughing, "Oh... my dear husband... if you had enough brain to be worth fucking you would realize that is a sheep and not a cow."











The husband replies, "I was talking to the sheep."
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Grim
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Re: Some Humor

Post by Grim »

Most will have seen this one, I still love it - a product review for Veet for Men from Amazon:

After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly succesful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits. Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit of a treat.
I ordered it well in advance and working in the North sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was. I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn't have long to wait.
At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head. Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the destruction of the meat and two veg. Struggling to not bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel of in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair. Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief. I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, tore the lid of and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing soon returned .
Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn't managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the drawer for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon.I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so.I took a handful of them and tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my arse. This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found it's way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running it's engines behind me.
This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain. The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.
Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, arse in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my arse while muttering..." Ooooh that feels good ". Understandably this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn't heard her come in it caused an involutary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction. I can understand that having a sprout farted against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn't the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn't improve my status...So to sum it up Veet removes hair, dignity and self respect...:)
Everyone's a freak in one way or another - it's how much and how you choose to express it that counts. As long as it harms no-one (unless that's their preference, of course) then who are we to judge?
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Re: Some Humor

Post by MedicalGloveLover »

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The birch says he cannot tell. Just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree. He replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch. It is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever put my pecker in."




What do you call a psychic midget who has escaped from prison?








A SMALL MEDIUM AT LARGE!



One day, the seven dwarfs are coming home after a hard days work. As they approach the house, they hear some sounds coming from the garden. Their curiosity aroused, they stand on each others shoulders until, finally, one of them can see over the garden wall.

The dwarf at the top sees Snow White and the prince sitting and talking in the garden. He says to the dwarf whose shoulder he is standing on, "Snow White is with the Prince."


This in turn gets passed down, dwarf to dwarf, "Snow White is with the Prince." "Snow White is with the Prince." "Snow White is with the Prince." "Snow White is....." (and so on) until it has reached all the dwarfs.


Then the dwarf at the top says: "They're kissing." Again the chain starts: "They're kissing." "They're kissing." "They're kissing." "They're ......."


"He's taking off her clothes." "He's taking off her clothes." "He's taking off her clothes." "He's taking off............"


"They're both nude now." "They're both nude now." "They're both nude now." "They're both........."


"He's about to enter her." "He's about to enter her." "He's about to enter her." "He's about to.........."


At this point Snow White hears a sound near the wall and she gets up to investigate. The dwarf at the top sees this and says, "She's Coming." "So am I." "So am I." "So am I." "So am I." "So am I." "So am I."




One day when the teacher walked into the classroom, she noticed that someone had written the word 'PENIS' (in tiny letters) on the blackboard. She scanned the class looking for a guilty face. Finding none, she rubbed the word off and began class. The next day, the word 'PENIS' was written on the board again; this time it was written about halfway across the board. Again she looked around in vain for the culprit, so she proceeded with the day's lesson. Every morning for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day's being larger than the previous one, and each being rubbed off vigorously. At the end of the second week, she walked in expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board but instead found the words: "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets."




Little Red Riding Hood was on her way to see her grandmother in the forest. Her mother warned her "Don't walk through the forest, take the path, or else the Big Bad Wolf will catch you and suck your tits dry!" Little Red started towards her grandmother's house but decided to take the shortcut through the forest anyway. The turtle stopped Little Red and warned her "Turn back and use the path, because if the Big Bad Wolf finds you, he'll suck your tits dry!" Little Red was almost there, so she kept going through the forest. Sure enough, the Big Bad Wolf jumps out of nowhere and tells her "Take off your shirt Little Red Riding Hood - I'm gonna suck your tits dry!!". "Oh no you don't", yells Little Red, as she pulls up her skirt, "You're gonna eat me just like the story says!"



A friend of mine has a huge Labrador Retriever. It eats a lot, and we went to the store to buy a large bag of dog food. We were in line to check out and a woman behind him asked if he had a dog.

The "what a moron!" look on my buddy's face was priceless, and I knew what it meant: he was going to toy with her. He told her that no, he was starting The Purina Diet again although he probably shouldn't -- he said he had ended up in the hospital last time, but that he'd lost 50 pounds before he awakened in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of his orifices and IVs in both arms.

He told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. He said that the food is nutritionally complete so he was going to try it again.

I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with his story, particularly a big tall guy who was behind the woman.

Horrified, she asked why he ended up in the hospital -- had the Purina made him sick? He told her no; he'd been sitting in the middle of the street licking his balls and a car hit him.

The woman turned fire-engine red, and I helped the tall guy up off the floor.
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Re: Some Humor

Post by Rommeltje »

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Zeus
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Re: Some Humor

Post by Zeus »

Some humor (with gloves)

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Julia.Edelmann
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Re: Some Humor

Post by Julia.Edelmann »

prick his boil? what does this mean, i cant find a german translation wich i can understand.

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Re: Some Humor

Post by Zeus »

It's an english idiom; p*rick is slang for the male genitalia. The humor is that the nurse reversed the doctor's order, and was preparing to boil a rather sensitive part of the patient, rather than prick (puncture) his boil (an infection on the skin).

Hope that helps!
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Re: Some Humor

Post by Julia.Edelmann »

yes that helps :)
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Re: Some Humor

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