Fetishistic Disorder

[archer]

Not sure if this is the right place for this, but I have always been pretty insecure about my fetish. As a youngster, my friends were talking about having sex with girls and one night stands when I knew that was difficult to achieve with my fetish. Mainly because it was frowned upon or weird to have it. It was not until last year where I spoke to a therapist about it and started to accept it more. Does anyone have issues ejaculating without gloves present? Is it harder for anyone to share intimacy without telling the girl about your fetish? I am curious to hear experiences on how people deal with this, whether it is with your significant other or just a random hookup. I have debated bringing latex gloves with me when I meet up with girls just to see if they react weirdly to it if we end up in bed but haven't had the chance to do it yet.

[Loula]

Hey my friend, what I’ve discovered is that it’s only as much of a big deal as you make it. If you act like it’s just a cool thing that you like (which it is, it’s awesome to have a fetish!) then it’s not going to be such a big deal for her. There is nothing wrong with having a fetish, not everyone is lucky enough to have such a solid thing that makes them tick.

I was really ashamed of it until a few years ago, I couldn’t even bring it up with my current partner until 2.5 years into our relationship! I just had to use my imagination to imagine gloves almost every time we had sex. When I finally got over that hurdle (and made friends who were also open about their fetishes) I realised it wasn’t such a big deal and then just started ordering gloves for my partner to wear, who was more than happy to oblige

Maybe put a few gloves in your bag next time you hook up with someone and then casually take them out and be like “this really turns me on, I’d love it if you wore them for me”

[Rommeltje]

I've also been in therapy, with a sexuologist. Not for my fetish(es) in particular, but they did come up a lot. What I realized in the end is that it wasn't so much the lack of gloves (and boots) itself that caused me to have difficulty getting into and keeping relationships, but rather the fear of not being accepted over my fetish for them. The prospect of having to hide that part of myself is what made me prefer being alone, isolated from everyone else and free to truly be myself.

But it also caused me to believe I could never have (enjoyable) sex without the inclusion of gloves and boots. That sent me into a downward spiral. Whenever I actually did manage to end up in bed with a girl, I was too insecure to be able to perform, which in turn confirmed my believe that I couldn't do it without gloves or boots being involved. (A positive side effect of this was actually that I was always extremely focused on giving the girls all the attention, getting better and better at knowing what they liked me to do with my fingers and tongue.) As soon as they'd had an orgasm (or something close enough to it), the sex was over. They were hardly ever disappointed, but I nearly always was.

I met my current girlfriend through a dating app. Like you, I had decided I wanted girls to know about at least one of my fetishes straightaway, so I mentioned in my profile that I was "weirdly attracted to boots" (I didn't dare to be too explicit about it). I got a few questions about it in chats, but it never went beyond mild curiosity. Most just ignored it altogether - including my current GF, who liked everything about my profile but that line. She hoped it was just some weird joke, as she actually hated wearing boots (which she told me a few weeks later - we hadn't discussed it further before).

By the time we started dating, I'd already decided that integrating my fetish into my sex life was something I would have to tackle later on in the relationship. What mattered first, was that I managed to convince myself I'd be able to have (proper) sex independent of my fetish. In order to do that, I (secretly, at first) took Kamagra every time we had sex for the first few weeks (maybe even months, I don't remember). Just a third of a pill, about an hour in advance, was enough. After a while it became so normal to be able to have sex, that I could stop taking them.

I did tell her quite early on (though not before we'd already gotten to know each other quite well) about my fetishes (referring to that line in my dating app profile, so it did serve its purpose after all), and how important they were for me, making it clear that I did not want a relationship where there was no place for gloves and boots. But I also told her that she could take all the time she needed to get used to the idea before we'd do anything with gloves and/or boots at all. I didn't care if it took years. I'd already been waiting all my life anyway, what's a little longer? If the relationship's good, it will last long enough, and we'll get there eventually - because, like Loula says, having a fetish isn't all that weird. But you need to be more than just your fetish.

It's now about a year later, and even though she still doesn't really like boots in a fashion sense, she wears them quite regularly for me during sex, which I'm perfectly happy with. (She did actually wear a pair out for our anniversary dinner a little while ago.) She needs a bit more time to be ok with gloves during sex (she does wear them for cleaning, though), but I'm sure we'll get there eventually. I'm not in a hurry, because we love each other very much, and I think we'll be together for a long time to come.

I would strongly advice against taking gloves with you on your first date, or even discussing your fetish at that stage. Again, having a fetish is not all that weird. Bringing it up on your first date, however, is. (Unless that date was arranged through Fetlife or something, obviously, but that's a different story altogether.) It's a deeply personal thing, which you shouldn't share before you're comfortable with a girl, and - even more imporantly - she's comfortable with you. Bringing up your kink on the first date won't make her feel comfortable with you. In contrast, finally being able to talk about your fetish to someone who accepts it, I can tell you, is the best feeling ever.

In addition, you need to realize that your "issues with ejaculation" are not tied to your fetish, but to your insecurity. Separate the two, tackle them one by one, and you'll be fine.

[archer]

Great advice Rommeltje. The last line really made it click. I think the constant gratification of porn makes it all worse as well. Glove porn is so accessible while the actual thing is not. It makes it easier to indulge by yourself rather than with someone else. Did you stop taking the Kamagra? I ordered Sildenafil for that reason and found that it works, but I do not want to rely on it. Would you say that you have a mental erectile dysfunction of anxiety from the fetish?

[Rommeltje]

I rarely use it anymore. I was afraid at first too that if I went down that road, I'd be dependent on them for the rest of my life, but that hasn't been the case at all. After using them for a while, I kind of forgot what it was like to not be able to get hard in front of a girl. It just became natural - as it's supposed to be.

Mind you, I was very open with my girlfriend about my problems, me seeing a therapist, and (eventually) about taking the pills, and she was very supportive of me. That's an important part. But I've found that most women are supportive when it comes to this, so that's not really anything to worry about. After a few weeks I started experimenting with not taking them every time we had sex, knowing that she wouldn't mind if I couldn't perform. And sometimes that did happen, but that was fine. Most of the time it all worked perfectly, though. At one point she asked me if I was still taking the pills, and I realized I hadn't for a couple of months.

I still have them, and I take one occasionally 'just for fun', but they mostly just serve as mental support, something to fall back on might I some day fail again, and I'm in need of a new boost of confidence.

I do think my erectile dysfunction was mental (as my therapist told me, it is highly unlikely for men our age to have physical ED), and my fetish was definitely part of the cause, but only indirectly. It was one of the factors fueling my insecurity. I'd kind of always known that, but it was so tangled up with a lot of other factors that I couldn't really grasp exactly how they worked together. That's why I went into therapy in the first place, as talking about it with someone (which I couldn't do with anybody else) really helps to organize your mind and see things more clearly. That's how I was eventually able to take on my issues. So it's very good that you've already started seeing a therapist. You're on track to overcome this problem.

As far as porn is concerned: I used to think my overconsumption of it was part of the problem as well, and I tried to give it up multiple times. But I eventually realized not watching porn wasn't going to make me happy, and that trying to stop and failing over and over again was in fact only making me unhappier, and more insecure. Blaming porn was just a way my brain was keeping my confidence down.

Porn is fun, and there's nothing wrong with it as long as it's not taking over your life (which takes a lot more than the amount you're watching - I'm guessing, based on your problem being so similar to mine). And it certainly doesn't stop you from having erections in real-life (and non-kinky) sexual situations - despite what the internet may tell you. Keep in mind that selling 'solutions' for erectile dysfunction to men thinking they're the only one having that problem is a very lucrative business.

I still watch porn, as does my girlfriend, and we're having great sex, with or without inclusion of my fetish.

[Ratchakay]

I’m also seeing a therapist mostly cause I really love talking about my fetish. Just so many things to explore! You’re definitely on the right track with that too. I don’t have ED but if my fetish is not present during sex I tend to not be as present, cause I’m thinking about gloves for sure XD Personally, I think I need gloves now, otherwise I’m simply not interested, it feels like mental work. I still can get erections without, but my heart is just not into it.

I also think it’s touchy to bring it up on the first date, but never say never. Always depends on the vibe. I’ve met people that during our first conversation I was able to talk about gloves. Some people I left thinking ‘wow we’re never gonna talk about fetishism, no thank you’ and I’ve had everything in between. I really like the ‘hey I have this thing with gloves, it’s kinda cool’ approach. People respond to it so much better! I do think however that it’s a subject that is best talked about early, like... date number 2 or 3. If the person is interested in you enough to see you again, they need to know eventually, right? That’s my take on it, might not be right for you

[archer]

That is great you overcame this. I was once married and I had to think about my wife wearing the gloves to ejaculate. She was comfortable wearing them in bed and cooking / cleaning with them, but in the end I think she resented me for that. I have been hard on myself about it always telling myself that she left because of this issue and that she would find someone who can perform without the use or thought of an inanimate object. I even went through the measures of getting my Testosterone checked while working out and eating right but at the end of the day I think it is all mental. I have been in bed with a few girls, but the performance anxiety / fetish prohibited me from having sex. Sometimes I wish I was just normal...

[Rommeltje]

Normal is overrated. Therapy will help you get through this, and then it's just extra fun to have a fetish.

[operalove]

Good topic here and interesting to know that most of us seeked therapy at some time. I guess we grew up in a time where having such fetishes was a taboo and seemed a shameful thing (I think today, with the media and internet, more and more people mention it and talk about it casually)
There was a time (also at some moments now) I was also wondering if my fetish will always be there and must be present for sex.
Before having sexual relationships, my glove fetish was all I felt about sex, since it was the first trigger of my puberty. I can't remember when that fetish started but it was always there when I was having my first erections and masturbating. So for years I was masturbating wearing, staring or thinking about gloves and wondered if I could have normal sex with a person some day.
I was hiding that fetish in most of my relationships and keeping it only in my head but for my first serious relationship, I was thinking I may end up with that person for good and I can't hide this part of me.

So as Rommeltje said, there must be a strong level of trust and comfort in the couple to bring up such subject. So I slowly did and opened about my fetish. My ex at that time had that weird look but was more a curiosity look and she read about fetishes and started accepting it. She wore gloves (when she is in the mood for it) but I admit I am not really in control because sometimes I feel that need for gloves and I can't force her. I started looking for therapy then and talked to a sexuologist about my insecurities about this fetish and maybe how I want to get rid of it and have a "normal" sex life. She helped me a lot to accept my fetish and make it a normal thing in our bedroom time, use it to create a universe in the couple but also have a balance with vanilla sex. I was fighting my fetish needs sometimes and trying to just look at the woman I am with, what I feel for her and lose myself in the moment we are together. It wasn't easy but somehow I could admire her body in a non fetish way. But yeah, the needs for gloves can't disappear completely, just cherish the moments she is into wearing them. We broke up for other reasons.

With my current girlfriend, we took our time to get to know each other and we are very open about sexuality, so fetishism was a subject I was able to bring up easily and we talked about it a lot. She is very open for it and understands my needs and wants to fulfill them. She likes our "universe" and how passionate I can get about gloves and other fetishes. So you think you want to be normal... She thinks now why she doesn't have a fetish and all her sexual life was just standard.

I guess there are different ways to look at it. A fetish can be something rich in a relationship when we learn how to share it and please each other mutually.
As mentioned already, it is all a mental issue about our insecurities, not about our fetishes

[Rommeltje]

So you think you want to be normal... She thinks now why she doesn't have a fetish and all her sexual life was just standard.

Yes, this exactly. I can imagine a 'normal' sex life getting routine and boring in the long run, but I don't ever see that happening with gloves (and boots), because it's so easy to change it up: just buy a new pair and everything is new and exciting again.

That doesn't just go for gloves of course. Any kink can make sex (even) more fun. I really don't understand people who only ever want vanilla sex.